Completely Bonkers
by liaisonwiththecouch
Summary: [oneshot]Rips in the fabric of reality put Tidus in a pickle. And, thanks to some stampeding people, into Shelinda's hat. Just don't ask.


Warning: Copious amounts of crack!fic. Read at your own crackhead expense.

--- ---

They were leaving Guadosalam with little regrets. Tidus, having lost his temper with Rikku's incessant teasing, was describing to her in detail his departure from Zanarkand. This was difficult, as Rikku found it necessary to interject with such comments as "That was a bit stupid, then" and "I thought you liked swimming!".

"--okay, so I thought, the old man's finally lost it, Tidus, time to back away because you're hanging over a five hundred foot drop and he's babbling about stories again. I say "back away" figuratively because, as I said, I was hanging over a five hundred foot drop and I didn't think backing away would have been very smart. See, the man's obsessed with them, it's why I always make Wakka sit next to him when we eat dinner, because otherwise he starts ranting about the iambic pantemeter--"

"Why did you get yourself in that position, anyway? Pretty stupid, if you ask me."

"--shurrup, shurrup, shurrup, I told you, I didn't try to get myself there. I didn't wake up and say, hey, I'm going to go play some blitzball, flirt with some girls, see my city get destroyed by a giant mutant MANATEE, and just for some added excitement hang off random ledges!!"

"Then why did you?'

"--shurrup, shurrup, SHURRUP! So after he--What the hell?"

There was a tall stone wall lining the road, and upon the top of the wall an old woman hopped about, grinning toothlessly and madly at them.

"A prophecy, a prophecy for the pretty little ones!!" she said, attempting to click her heels together and capering, if arthritically, about. She cleared her throat, with many a little flourish, and croaked;

"Acting upon the scourge's whim,

The sky will cloud, the sun will dim

Upon a bath,

Upon one's wrath,

They come once more for him and him,"

and she pointed at Auron and Tidus.

"Reality falls to shreds, my duckies," she cackled, "and you will soon be set upon. No possession of yours will be safe!"

"Bonkers," said Tidus after a small moment, without really knowing why. It seemed to fit the occasion.

They all walked on.

"They're coming!" screamed a crazed voice, barely in earshot, "the fangirls are coming!

After a while, Lulu said drily, "That was interesting."

"Mad," said Tidus loftily, "completely mad."

"You seem to have a bad case of the British, Tidus," said Yuna peacefully, "and really, she was probably just--"

"--mad," said Tidus firmly.

--- ---

The sky was cloudy, and there was a faint rumbling in the distance.

Tidus edged around the rock uneasily. They had battled fiends, which, as usual, ignored prime targets such as defenseless little girls and feral chocobo (who were all pansies, really) to attack such well-defended targets such as a group of guardians and their summoner, who would then proceed to completely kick their fiendish asses and steal all the various treasures that they inexplicably possessed.

However, they had been attacked by one of those jelly things. It exploded, and Tidus was now a very sticky and unhappy person.

He stared at the little pond.

This was not because he was afraid of taking a bath. In Zanarkand, bathing had become somewhat of a target for celebrity-obsessed teenage girls and paparazzi. This was not, however, the reason for his apprehension.

He was a city boy. Ponds were not for bathing. They were for avoiding, because they might be hiding bacteria, vicious animals, and possibly some very clever paparazzi.

He undressed uncomfortably, and stepped in.

Minutes later, he jumped out and ran away.

All around the pond, the impressions of million of footprints oozed in the wet sand.

--- ---

"..Shelinda.."

Shelinda stopped, her religious earnestness permeating the air around her. She was filled with holy desire to convert people, though she was scared of Al Bhed and fiends generally didn't listen to her when she tried to preach to them. They preferred to attack anyone who could concievably beat them. Perhaps this voice could be converted! It was vaguely familiar.

"Greetings, fellow traveler," she recited, recalling the words they had taught her, "may the blessings of Yevon, the holiest of all, be with you as you make your journey. Let Him smile upon you, and grant you with swift speed and holy thinking--"

"Yes, right, praise to Yevon, we all love him," said the voice.

Shelinda withered inwardly at the voice's obvious impatience. She obviously wasn't devout enough, and it had shown in her botched recitation. "Who are you, who professes such devotion to Yevon?" she asked, mugging desperately.

"Look, Shelinda, all I need to know is..."

Was this some test of Yevon, to test her religious knowledge? Oh, if only she'd reviewed the minor chants of St. Oritin! She had thought them insignificant, but if he asked her them, she would be disgraced in the eyes Yevon, besides which no other eyes mattered! She conscientiously ignored her fervent desire to be recognized in the eyes of the maesters.

"...can I borrow your hat, please?"

But what if it was no test of Yevon, but of some evil, bound to turn her from her pursuit of holiness? It could be a trick, intended to use her desire for enlightenment to cast her into a life of darkness, hidden from Yevon as were the Al Bhed.

Shelinda trembled with indecision. She swayed back and forth uneasily, and her hands gripped each other, then twisted in the fabric of her baggy pants, then gripped each other again.

For a few long moments, there was silence.

Then..

"Damnit, Shelinda, just make up your mind!"

Shelinda's nerves reached their peak. She shrieked, and ran off. Her hat fell off her head as she raced away.

A moment later, Tidus' hand reached around the boulder and groped along the ground until it reached the hat.

--- ---

Tidus approached the campfire unhappily. They all stared at him.

"Tidus, man," began Wakka uneasily. He faltered.

"Tidus, why do you have Shelinda's hat wrapped around your nether region?" asked Rikku unabashedly.

"Someone stole my clothes," Tidus muttered. "Can someone lend me some?"

Clothes were found for him, and he retreated into the woods to put them on as the women of the group carefully looked away. (The guys looked away too, because they weren't like that, but they weren't careful about it.)

"What happened, then, Tidus?" Lulu asked when he returned, her voice neutral and definitely not containing scarcely contained amusement.

"There was this stampede of girls," he muttered, "and they took my clothes. I tried to run after, but I remembered…" his voice faded away.

"You were in the nuddy?" Rikku asked, her voice definitely containing amusement.

"You've caught the British too," said Yuna, embarrassed.

"What is British, anyway?" Tidus asked.

Yuna looked embarrassed. Then she said awkwardly, "It's what you've got."

"You were stampeded by a bunch of girls," said Auron skeptically.

"Yes!" insisted Tidus angrily. "If I wanted to make something up, I would make something more convincing than that!"

"Mad," said Yuna, glad the attention was off her, "completely bonkers."

--- ---

Five minutes later, Auron fled, leaving a very trampled pack and five very trampled traveling companions.


End file.
